general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life
hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang
hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff
best quality:
worst quality:
ship them with:
brotp them with:
needs to stay away from:
misc. thoughts:
Being on this website is fun because you can absolutely tell when a blorbo clicks in someone's brain. You're scrolling, and suddenly out of nowhere there's like 12 posts about the same character back to back reposted by the same person, and you just know "oh. They're a permanent part of their psyche now." and honestly it's a vibe go off king
Accidentally unfollowing one of your mutuals is the Tumblr equivalent of stepping on your pet
so true
I think everyone deserves a little OOC. I think it should be fun and normal to say something so blatantly untrue and silly about a character because its funny and nice. I think it's important tee bee haich.
true
tagged by @catdemontraphouse
Last Song: the greek dub of Frozen Heart frome Frozen
Currently Watching: BBC Les Mis ( want to start writing ValJerk AU fics again)
Currently Reading: Big Nate
Current Obsession: Disney’s Descendants
Tagging: @cleverqueenchild @barb-animation-fan18 @busyasabbey @until-another-one-comes
(Third film. After “bad guys”. Uma walks into Professor Thatch’s office, ready to ask for a therapy appointment, only to find him talking to a boy about her age, maybe a little older, with long white hair and bright blue eyes)
Uma: oh uh. Sorry. I’ll um. I’ll just. Go. Sorry again.
Milo: Captain, it’s okay. This is my son, Prince Nedahk Thaddeus Preston Thatch of Atlantis
Uma: NTPT. Sounds like a radio station
Ned: you can call me Ned if you like
Uma: then I will. Ned. Um. Prof. Can we. Talk?
Ned: right. Sorry. I won’t take up any more of your time. See you at home dad
Milo: see you there
(Ned leaves the room. Uma watches as he walks away. The Milo clears his throat)
Milo: would you like a seat?
Uma: thanks.
Milo: so what would you like to talk about?
Uma: I let Ben put Harry, Cj and Harriet in the dungeon
Milo: oh?
Uma: they brought it on themselves really. You can only push someone so far until they snap.
Milo: right.
Uma: if it was me I would’ve keelhauled them. Including Harry.
Milo: and you feel like you let Ben take the opportunity from you?
Uma: no. He made the right choice. I’m just wondering if....I have
Milo: pardon?
Uma: is Cj right? Have I changed too much? I don’t feel any different. Except. Less alert. I guess.
Milo: that’s good. It means you feel safe.
Uma: you know what happened to me this past year right?
Milo: I heard. You did what you thought was best for someone you care about
Uma: and now he’s in the dungeon on my say so.
Milo: Uma look at me. You’re brave girl. Who was raised in a situation she was never supposed to be in. And who did whatever she thought was right to get out of it
Uma: I tried to kill the only person who ever wanted help the island. Twice. That’s not what you’d call “right” is it?
Milo: no. But you are changing. The very fact that you’re in this room talking to me about it proves that. You are changing. Repeat that to yourself whenever you think you’re slipping or doubting your current actions. It might help.
Uma: thanks prof
Milo: please. Call me Milo. Reece’s cup?
(Uma gratefully takes the sweet. This is when “I am changing” happens. After the song. Mal is dragging Evie to the ROAR arena. Once Evie’s inside Mal leaves to guard the door)
Evie: no no no no NO YOU EVIL BITCH!!!!
(She turns and sees Hades on the pommel-horse)
Evie: I’m not talking to you. So don’t even try
Hades: you don’t have to talk. But please just listen.
(In the library)
Ben: what do you want belle?
Belle: Gil’s upset
Ben: I’m sorry this is causing him pain but I have absolutely nothing to say to you
Belle: then can you please listen to me as I explain?
(In the grounds)
Facillier: I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of brass to do what you did
Uma: then why do I still feel rotten?
Facillier: because one little therapy session isn’t a quick fix all. Not for people like us
Uma: oh boy. Lemme guess. You’ve got some advice for me?
Facillier: of a sort, yes
Uma (chuckling slightly): alright then
(In the arena)
Evie (rolling her eyes): out with it
(In the library)
Ben (sighing wearily): what’ve you go to say?
(This is when “all I know so far” happens. After the song)
Hades: I mean that. I’m here. No matter what happens. I’m here.
Mal: yeah but. You can’t always be. And I’m fine with that. Really I am. So don’t go making promises not even a God would be able to keep. Mmkay?
Hades: okay.
Mal: now if you’ll excuse me popsy. I have to go punch some sense into my sister
(She leaves)
Hades: try not to kill her please
Mal: no promises
Hades: understood
(Near the communal sitting room Mal gets surprises by the smee twins fixing themselves to her legs)
Mal: hey guys. What’s all this for?
Gil: they want to thank you
Mal: is he here?
Gil: he got in 20 minutes ago
Mal: let’s go see him then
(In the kitchens)
Mal: Mr Smee
Smee (getting up to bow): your highness
Mal: I’m not a highness yet. Even after that. Mal’ll do
Smee: okay then. You can call me William
Mal: sounds like a plan William. Uma’ll be happy to see you.
Smee: I’ll be happy to see her too.
Mal: now I have small favour to ask you
Smee: anything
Mal: could you please pry these two off my legs. The sentiment’s appreciated. But it is a little hard to walk like this
Smee: of course. Boys. I think Mal would like her legs back now don’t you?
(Squeaky and Squirmy reluctantly let go of Mal’s legs)
Mal: so um. I don’t know if you’re aware
Smee: I’ll be fighting. I’ve lived in fear of James for far too long. I need to help put a stop to him.
Mal: well okay then. Say. Boys. Wanna go on a little trip? You do? C’mon then.
(On their way out. Mal summons two drumsticks and bangs on the doors of the suites)
Mal: Vks! Vks! Come one out and fall in! That includes you Quinn so don’t even try hiding!
Celia: what’s happening?
Dizzy: did Ben finally get rid of the tapioca station?
Mal:....he’s working on it.
Dizzy: oh for fucks sake.
(Once on the Green)
Mal: now. Some of you are being evacuated tomorrow
Dizzy: removed against my will
Evie: it’s for your own good Dizzy
Dizzy (indignantly): I can cause more damage with one half of my scissors than she can do with her attitude
Quinn: harsh.
Dizzy: I know. That’s why I said it
Mal (louder): anyway. I thought we could all do one last thing together as a sort of goodbye thing. Does that sound good?
(The Smee twins cheer in a agreement)
Persey: you gonna use the spell?
Mal: eh. Sort of. Now let’s see uh. Uma. Gil You two stand next to Carlos. Jay next to me. Evie next to Jay. Carlos next to Evie. There you go. Now. Everyone one ready?
(The younger children cheer)
Mal: good answer. Now lemme think. Ooh. I know. This may well be/our very last chance/so now we must all/get up and dance.
(This is when “revolting children” happens. After the song. Mal and Persey see two large streams of steam, one grey and one purple, falling from the sky and landing miles away in the north)
Mal: oh no
Persey: that’s not good
Mal: right. Change of plans. Hadie. Persey. Gather every kid in Auradon and take them to their assigned limps now!
Dizzy: WHAT?!?!
Mal: Dizzy. I know. I know it sucks. I know it’s too soon. But you and everyone who’s too young or doesn’t want to fight has leave now. Please. I need you to trust me on this. Do you trust me?
Celia: I trust you
Dizzy:....okay. Fine. I trust you
Mal: thank you. Now get in the limo, your luggage is already in Arendelle and look after the smee twins
Dizzy and Celia: got it.
(As they take the twins away)
Evie: are you gonna tell us what the hell is happening
Mal: it’s been three weeks.
Persey: now we’ve got three days
Evie: you’re shitting me
Mal: no. No I’m not. Uma. With me. We need to talk to Ben.
Anthony: I’m coming with you. There’s something I need to tell him
Carlos: so no one’s gonna tell us what just happened?
Persey: those two streams came from Olympus’s direction. And if God’s are starting to fall
Carlos: it’s bad
Persey: yup
Gil: but what could make a god fall from Olympus?
(Half an hour earlier. On Olympus. Zeus walks into the throne room to find Maleficent on his throne covered in blood)
Zeus: what poor soul did you consume this time?
Maleficent: Matthew Sykes. A sweet child. Only eight years old. Very snide. A son any parent would be proud of. But he failed. And I have no use for failures. Besides. I was hungry.
Zeus: right then. And you’re here because?
Maleficent: long ago you and king Adam LeRoi of Auradon made a contract. You brother and one of his children for your peoples safety from persecution.
Zeus: and what is it to you?
Maleficent: today he signed the contract over to my name. And I have come to collect.
Zeus: what?
Maleficent: I have come to claim you for the war effort.
(The king of the Gods bursts out laughing)
Zeus: pull the other one
Maleficent: oh you think this is a game? Oh my dear, dear man. I am afraid you are not understanding me. You see. You are mine. Adam signed you over to me. And you do not get a choice in the matter
Zeus: my answer remains the same.
Maleficent: so much for the easy way. Now let me remember....oh yes
(She clears her throat and her eyes glow purple. This is when “never enough” happens. After the song. Zeus looks at her in mild confusion)
Zeus: was that it?
Maleficent: yes
Zeus: well it didn’t work.
Maleficent: oh well. Back to basics.
(She shoves her hand into his chest and violently yanks out his heart)
Maleficent: there we go. Now. Let me make this. Quite plain.
(This is when “I’m number one” happens. After the song. Maleficent lands gracefully in a dusty rock face. Zeus, however, has been impaled through the abdomen, on a pointy rock mass)
Maleficent: oohoohoo. What delicious irony this is. A rock once saved your life. And now a rock has brought about your downfall. Funny how things work out is it not?
(Zeus tries to say something but he ends up vomiting blood instead)
Maleficent: shh. Shh. Try not to speak. It will make the process quicker. And you would not want that now would you? Now. Just let me take what I need from you and I shall be on my way.
(She conjures up a phial, fills it with Zeus’s golden blood and teleports away, leaving the fallen god impaled on the rock and slowly dying. Back in Ursula’s restaurant. Adam’s and Ursula are waiting for her)
Ursula: well?
Adam: did you get it?
Maleficent: indeed I did. But you know me. I love to play with my food. Has the princess softened?
Adam: infuriatingly, no
Maleficent (stroking Adam’s left cheek, which he leans into): never fear your majesty. I have one last recourse.
(She snaps her fingers and the room is engulfed in darkness with only Maleficent and Audrey inhabiting it)
Audrey: what. What’s happening?
Maleficent: it is alright your highness. You needn’t worry. You are among friends here
Audrey: blow it out your ass
Maleficent: do you know how I became who I am today
Audrey: you were hatched like it?
Maleficent: oh you are funny. You are a funny, funny girl. No. I am, or was, Persian. I wished to rule my people, the country I loved. They refused me. So. I slaughtered them. I made my way to France. And I have not looked back since.
Audrey: what’s the point in this little anecdote?
Maleficent: I loved my people. And they cast me out. The same has happened to you. Except you cling to it like a rat aboard the titanic. That is what I’m trying to disavow you of. Love.
(This is when “don’t fall in love” happens. After the song. Audrey looks witheringly at Maleficent)
Audrey: do you think I’m an idiot?
Maleficent: for the purpose of this conversation, allow me to answer, No
Audrey: it’s not love. It’s guilt. For some reason Ben and Mal feel guilty for me letting you out last year. But the only guilty one is me. Uma tried to kill me last month. And she was right to. What you’re doing. It’s my fault. It has nothing to do with love. They don’t love me as a friend or a family member. They feel guilty. But I’m the one who’s actually guilty. So if you want to kill me then kill me. But just know that in doing so you’ll be doing your daughter the biggest favour ever
(Maleficent’s speechless. She returns the restaurant to normal. Then drags Ursula into the office)
Maleficent: I have been shaken to my core
Ursula: you didn’t get stabbed again did you?
(Maleficent glares at her)
Ursula: ‘pologies
Maleficent: she used my tactics back on me. It was honestly really very rude.
Ursula: my niece tried to strangle me after I polyp’d my brother
Maleficent: yes but this is different. This is about me.
Ursula: understood. Carry on
Maleficent: these children. They have no respect for the old ways. If it was now how it was back then she would’ve ran and hid at be mere mention of my name. But now. She will not break. It is honestly rather infuriating
(This is when “class” happens. After the song. They leave the office to see Adam arguing with Audrey)
Adam: he would have in time
Audrey: he dreamed about her you stupid prick. There was nothing to be done
Adam: he ruined everything by letting that murder of crows into my beloved project. And you were on my side. You should’ve done something
Audrey: look at his mother. It was as inevitable
Adam: I fixed her. I fixed her
Audrey: you corrupted her. And now she’s better
Adam: oh I can’t do this anymore.
Maleficent: what the hell is going on?
Adam: oh nothing. Just having a chat with my daughter in law
Audrey: it was never gonna happen. Even if Mal was never in the picture. Once he was king he wouldn’t have to listen to you anymore. He would’ve dumped me and got with Lonnie or Jane. And he would’ve been right to.
Adam: a king does what’s right by his subjects
Audrey: and he is. By undoing every single piece of damage you caused.
Adam: I can’t do this anymore. I just. I just can’t. I never should’ve given Ben the crown
(This is when “viva la vida” happens. After the song Adam glowers at Audrey)
Adam: enough stalling. It’s time to end this
(He strides towards Audrey, tears out her heart, making her keel over in pain. He then kneels and hands it to Maleficent)
Adam: for you my lady
(Maleficent takes the offering. Then places her hand under Adam’s chin and guides him back to his feet)
Maleficent (gently stroking Adam’s face): thank you. My king.
(Adam glows green briefly before faint dead away)
Maleficent: now. This is one last warning to those of you who wish to not participate in the upcoming battle. If you back out now. I shall not think any less of you than I already do. But if you fight then flee. No power on earth, Olympus or the underworld will shield you from my wrath. Is that understood?
The rest of the villains: understood
Maleficent: good
(This is when “are you in or out?” happens. After the song. Audrey struggles to her feet)
Audrey: so what now? You gonna kill me?
Maleficent: what good would that do? You are still of use to me. Seize her. Take the table
Audrey: what. What for?
Maleficent: I have your heart. I. Control you now. So now you have no other option except to do whatever I say
Audrey: go to hell.
Maleficent: only in your body my dear. Only in your body
(As Jafar and Hook are strapping Audrey down)
Ursula: how’d ya wanna do this?
Maleficent: it is not a simple spell. I shall require your assistance.
Ursula: my pleasure
(This is when “poor unfortunate souls/I put a spell on you” happens. After the song. Audrey’s eyes snap open. They’re completely and fully pitch black. That night. Back in Auradon. Persey’s outside the Kawena Club. Gil, Freddie and Diego are with them)
Gil: why exactly are we here again?
Persey: we’re all family here. And I haven’t spent a lot of time with you guys.
Gil: no seriously. Why did you bring us here boss?
Persey: can’t a deity just spend some time with their family without being questioned.
Gil: okay. Um. Fred. D. Why don’t you guys head over to Dalmatians Donuts. I don’t think the Dearly’s have evacuated yet. I just need to talk with our mutual relative.
(He walks over to Persey who’s currently trying to force open the locked and barred door)
Gil: spill. C’mon. Out with it
Persey: oh I’m not done. I can’t be done yet
Gil: done? What do you mean by done?
Persey: I made a promise to my mother.
Gil: okay....What promise?
Persey: last month. She made me promise. That when the time came. I would bring dad and Hadie to Olympus. And we’d make dad king of the gods
Gil: and you think that since we just saw a god fall to earth. That that is today.
Persey: or pretty Damn close to it yeah.
Gil: Freddie. Diego. Get back over here. I think Perse needs some coverage. Do you what you need to do.
(Persey uses magic and busts open the door)
Persey: the three of you. Get in now.
(This is when “blow” happens. After the song. The next morning. At the docks. Persey approaches their father)
Persey: we need to talk.
Hades: just need to do these last minute checks
Persey: no dad. Now.
Hades: okay.
Persey: first of all. Where’s Hadie?
Hades: making sure all the evacuation points are in order. What’s this all about? What’s happening? You can tell me
Persey: no. Not. Not until Hadie gets here. Can you summon him?
Hades: no. Not until you tell me what’s gotten you so fucking jumpy.
Persey: no. I can’t go over it twice.
Hades: okay....
Persey: Urgh....
(This is when “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” happens)
(Third film. After “calling all the monsters and during “come what may”. Uma’s pained screams undo the soundproofing spell she put on the door alerting the others to her predicament resulting in Harry trying to kick the door open with his foot)
Harry (completely failing at his endeavour): bugger bugger bugger bugGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGERBUGGERBUGGERBUGGER BUGGER!!!!!
Mal: for fucks sake patchwork! Get out of the way!
(She uses magic to throw Harry out of the way, remove the deadbolt and kicks the door open)
Mal: oh shit
Harry: UMA!!!!
(The sea witch is laying in a pool of her own blood on the carpet, her skin is chalky grey and her tentacles are lying limply around her. Adam is in the process of gloating)
Adam: ...abd ince you and your freakish friends are back in abject squalor where you belong my kingdom will be AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
(Mal blasts him away from Uma, along with the first mate she rushes to the witch, he cradles his captain and she shields her with dragon wings just as Adam unleashed a hale of gunfire with an automatic)
Carlos: mom?
Mal: copper bullets. Can’t hurt me. Now go
Uma (weakly): he
Mal: I’ll get to the bottom of this. You’ll heal but you need to go, now! Hadie! Drop the my cousins and sister at Evie’s house, Uma should be healed by then, and the others to look for Ben
Harry: I’m not taking orders from you!
Uma: do what she says
Mal: hadie!
Hadie: on it
(The others ten Vks disappear in a puff of grey smoke. Mal turns around and bends the gun so the shaft breaks off)
Mal: where is he?
Adam: what are you talking about?
Mal (socking him in the jaw): WHERE IS BEN! WHERE IS HE! I KNOW YOU KNOW
Adam: the boy is somewhere you’ll never find him
Mal: what did you do to him?
Adam: your mother took care of a problem of mine. Now I’ll care take care of one of hers. Go back home girl. It’s where you belong
Mal: I am home. It’s under attack and I’m saving it
Adam: you ruined this kingdom just like you ruined his life
Mal (chuckling bitterly): oh my god. Again? Are we really going through this again. Ben gaining magic saved his life. He would’ve been torn apart otherwise. He knows it, I know it, you know it. The whole country knows it
Adam: it would’ve been better if he had died along with you than those honest hard working journalists
Mal: oh you mean those scum sucking parasites who never met me have a minutes peace
Adam: When you are in the public eye
Mal: you are still allowed to talk to your boyfriend in private.
Adam: oh it doesn’t matter. Soon you’ll be back where you belong. And chad will be king. In title of course. Naturally I’ll have the run of things
Mal: do you really think she’ll let you take charge? I know her. She’ll off you the very first chance she gets
Adam: I don’t care. Just knowing you’ll back in squalor I’d enough for me.
Mal: you’re a horrible man. You’re a bastard of a king and a bastard of a human being
Adam: guilty as charged. Now. Are you going to run away with your tail between your legs like a good little girl? Or will things have to get as ugly as your draconic form?
Mal: the gunshots. What were they?
Adam: just me taking care of a few loose ends. Pop! One in Royston’s head. Pop! Another in Leah’s corpse.
Mal: Leah’s...dead?
Adam: no one gives a damn about a widow
Mal: Audrey gives a damn. Leah was a reprehensible excuse of a woman but Audrey stil cares about her
Adam: if she cared then she would’ve shunned you.
Mal: what?
Adam: Audrey betrayed her family by welcoming you. By “patching things up” she spat in the face of everything Stephen created.
Mal: Aurora
Adam: Aurora is weak. Her and Phillip are weak and ineffectual
Mal: they’re good people. They hated the island. Leah poisoned Audrey’s mind
Adam: why does it always come down to this? Why does it always come down to the fucking bleeding hearts? Why can’t people just admit it was a perfect plan that put my name in the history books as a purveyor of justice..instead of poo-pooing it as a crime against humanity
Mal: because it is a crime against humanity. Your crime against humanity, actually.
Adam: what’s your point?
Mal: my point is...perhaps you need to think that maybe the fact fact your single minded determination to keep vks in poverty isn’t going so well for you. Maybe it’s even ruined you’re relationship with Belle and Ben. I dunno I’m just spitballing here
Adam: hmmmmm...nope. It’s your fault. Any final words before I save my kingdom from you?
Mal: it’s not your kingdom. It’s Ben’s. And Ben’s only. I’m going to find him and when you do not even death with Dave you from what I’ve got planned for you.
Adam: strange words. Now for the bazooka
(He shoots Mal point blank in the chest. She raises an eyebrow, flexes, and the billet flies back into his abdomen)
Mal: once again. Copper bullets can’t hurt me. Get it right
Adam: what makes you think you’ll live through this
Mal: eh. Half god. Half dark fairy. I’m immortal. I’ll live. I’ll survive. I’ll rise. If there’s one thing Ben and Jay and Carlos and Evie and milo and everyone else has helped me understand. I’m practically untouchable
(Adam yells and runs her tough with a broadsword)
Mal (sighing deeply): you still don’t get it do you?
(This is when “rise” happens”. After the song she has him trapped in a change made from a felled chandelier and run through with wood spikes. He tries to shoot her one last time but she swats it away, kicks it out if his reach and crushes it beneath her heel)
Mal: now that’s taken care of I’ll leave you here. You’ll be realeased when I go. But you’ll probably bleed out before you can do anything. Ah well. It’s less then you deserve but needs must and all that. RIT Adam
Adam: what?
Mal: rest in torment. Like I’d ever want you to have peace. I mean come ON!
(She runs out of the broken window fake for a split second and flies off to her sisters house as a dragon)
Vision!Ben: you need to rest and recuperate. I suggest
Mal: I’m fine
Ben: yeah, now you are but sooner or later, sooner being the operative word, you are gonna crash and burn. And you should hope to hell you’re in human form when you do
Mal: why? I’m immortal
Ben: yeah dingus I know that. But even immortals are susceptible to fatigue
Mal: really? I didn’t know that
Ben: what do I always say? “If I’m saying it, then you already know it
Mal (joining in): “...already know it”. Yeah yeah yeah. You’re a real drag sometimes you know that right?
Ben: I’m you’re subconscious. If I wasn’t a drag you wouldn’t be alive honey. Remember it was I who had to keep you awake during the fight. You can still get injured by things other then iron. Even a concussion. Set down, gently, and rest. You’ve earned it
(Mal ignores him. On the island, Facillier’s arcade has gained a very unwelcome visitor)
Facillier: what in the seven circles of hell are you doing here?
Ursula: can’t a woman visit the father of her child?
Facillier: a woman can. You however can’t. Not after what you did. And it’s children. We had two together
Ursula: oh what ever could you mean? What did I ever do to incur such wrath within you
Facillier: YOU ABANDONED CELIA!
Ursula: who?
Facillier (eyes glowing fuchsia): our second born
Ursula: oh thaaaat. Doesn’t ring a bell
(Facillier makes a move to throttle her)
Morgana: oh calm down Tony. You know my sister has no care for those of no use to her. Just like our own dear departed mother
Ursula: she’d have paid attention to you if you didn’t look like a coat rack honey
Morgana: better then being a blubbery bicycle. I mean! Imagine that? Going to the same man twice. Whoever heard of such ilk?
Ursula: you crashed a christening to avenge my death so HA!
(Morgana lunges at her sister but Facillier stops her)
Facillier: if I can’t hurt her the you can’t either. This is safe territory. Neutral ground. No blood shall be spilt here. If you must tear each other apart do it at the gym
Morgana: I’ll go. I have an appointment with mr Legume anyway
(She leaves in a puff teal smoke)
Facillier: why are you here? The REAL reason this time
Ursula: Maleficent has asked me to extend you an invitation to the coven
Facillier: I’ve no interest in being part of a cult. Due to prior experience the idea doesn’t appeal to me
Ursula: huh?
Facillier: never mind. You can count me out. I’m sure you have enough
Ursula: mostly women and jafar. She feels we need eye candy so to speak. The boy suggested Sinclair
Facillier: she’s mortal. With a gangrenous leg
Ursula: he’s not a smart child. He sold his soul for a butterfinger for crying out loud
Facillier: but they’re disgusting
Ursula: not over there they’re not
Facillier: of course. My answer is no. So please go away. Now!
Ursula: no I don’t think I will. Because I know you Antoine. You cannot stand it. You cannot stand that over there in Auradon they’re playing with fate. The date of you and your daughter
Facillier: daughters
Ursula: whatever. So you see it’s only a matter of time. Sooner or later you’ll join the coven of the isle of the lost
Facillier: overly long name
Ursula: and we’ll be all powerful and crush the ant underfoot
Facillier: then you’ll kill Maleficent and the entire fucking thing will start all over again. This story only has one end. Our death. And as long as the girls are safe I am very much ok with that.
Ursula: don’t your want to be all powerful?
Facillier: what good is being all powerful if I can’t use it to help my daughters?
Ursula: fatherhood ruined you
Facillier: motherhood made you worse.
Ursula: I know, it’s great isn’t it?
Facillier: you used me. You abandoned Celia because she was more voodoo then sea witch. You entrapped Uma for a year and tried to break her. In fact. You did break her. I saw her earlier today. She was a mess
Ursula: good! It serves her right. Just up and leaving me like that with out a good servant to do my bidding AH!
(Facillier just used his cane to knock her to the ground)
Facillier (end of the cane pressing down on her throat): you destroyed all of us. You broke me. Twice. And I’ll never forgive you for that
Ursula (raspy): you’re still alive aren’t you?
Facillier: it was a long long road getting there though.
(This is when “I will survive” happens. After the song Ursula’s about to leave. But she turns and faces him)
Ursula: you cannot seriously be happy like this.
Facillier: oc course I’m not. This is hell. This is hell on earth. And this is much, much more then any of this deserve. And I know this whole syndicate is for the adults. The kids won’t get a look in will they?
Ursula: why the fuck should they? They never did anything
Facillier: yes. That’s it. That’s my exact point. That is Uma’s point. That is Ben’s point. The children. Our children. Are innocent. We deserved this. But they don’t. So you can kindly go to hell if you think I’ll join you. Oh wait. We’re already there.
Ursula: so a no?
Facillier: correct
Ursula: you disappoint me Antoine. You were so masterful. Now you’re a stay at home dad
Facillier: I’m a house husband without a spouse. Hopefully one day that will change. But for now it’s just me myself and I looking after my children
Ursula: I think everyone know what you and the god get up to after hours
Facillier (chuckling humourlessly): I don’t think i made my point clear earlier. Go. To. Hell. And I hope you think of me when you look at the brimstone.
Ursula: are you kidding me? You know as well as I do that you can’t conjure a single damn thing for yourself
Facillier: I wasn’t just a crooked charlatan. I know loopholes. And I do what I’m about to do for Uma and for Celia
(This is when “gives you hell” happens. After the song. At the Legume Gym Morgana’s just arrived in her own special style)
Morgana: I didn’t miss the cake and ice cream did I?
Lefou (very long suffering sigh): you’ve been saying that for nearly a quarter century. Nobody cares
Gaston: fuck off Lefou. Where in the presence of a lady
Lefou (condescendingly): Sorry “boss”. Morgana
(He leaves)
Gaston: so hard to find good help these days.
Morgana: you’ve had him for what? Forty years?
Gaston: you can’t expect me to count already? You just got here
Morgana: urgh...never mind. My sister is starting a coven and I think we should join
Gaston: a what?
Morgana: a coven. A syndicate of magic users united in the goal of taking over the mainland
Gaston: what?
Morgana (slowly): bitches with magic gonna get the kids back
Gaston: ohhhh. Why would you wanna join?
Morgana: because sweetcheeks. My sister died once. And she shall do so again. Only this time I want to be the cause
Gaston: so we do this. And I can kill the beast once and for all. And then Belle will finally be mine.
Gaston Junior: pops, I’m going out
Morgana: Harriet’s not here hon.
Gaston: why would he go for a pirate.
Morgana: because he’s spineless. Like all well built men.
Junior: uhhhh. Bye!
Gaston: you gonna say that’s about?
Morgana: no. Now. You in it or not? Just imagine it. We’ll be on top. My sister dearly departed. The king a throw rug on your parlour floor. And us. Finally happy. After all these years
Gaston: I love it. I’m a genius
Morgana: no you’re not sweets. You’re here in this sweat hole. And I’m the one planning our escape.
Gaston: I hate it here. None of these woman are attractive. Both my sons are idiots
Morgana: three sons. Gil’s in Auradon. But soon he’ll be back wen here he belongs. And his Cinderella treatment can continue as normal
Gaston: I love it I love it I love it. Oooh. Belle will finally be mine! I won’t have to stay here in this squalor. Good GOD I’m tired of this. I’m just tired of staying here while those little shits get what I deserve. It’s like that weird paper thing that wound up here
Morgana: a playbill of Annie.
Gaston: yes that. They’re over on easy street and we’re getting scraps
Morgana: I think I know where you’re going with this
Gaston: I wanna be back on top
Morgana: and...here...we...go.
(This is when “easy street” happens. After the song. Back in Auradon. After “come what may”. Hades, Elsa and the girls have finally entered the castle and have found the corpses)
Lonnie: you know, under any other circumstances, I’d be thrilled to see her dead. But, not like this. It feels sort of
Dizzy: empty
Lonnie: yeah.
Hades: why would someone shoot a dead woman though.
Elsa: perhaps you should ask the shooter
(She nods her head towards Adam’s direction. The former king is slowly, painfully making his way to the shattered gun on his stomach leaving a trail of blood behind him. Hades walks up to him, changing into John Barrowman along the way, and steps on his hand)
Adam: ARGH
Hades: hello old friend. I remember when you escaped me. You were so very lucky Belle confessed. But alas, she’s rescinded the declaration, hasn’t she? You see, this is what happens when you bring the dead back and trap innocent lives on an island of SQUALOR! But then again you knew that already didn’t you. As always more beast then man. So much for love
Dizzy: GRANDPA LOOK OUT!
(Hades turns just in time to see a conspiracy of ravens flying to the broken window. Elsa shields the girls with an ice wall. Hades turns into Eva Green and spreads out her coat shielding Adam from the conspiracy)
Hades: HE IS MINE MALEFICENT. DAMNED AND PROMISED TO ME. YOU DO NOT GET TO WIN THIS TIME MALEFICENT. HE IS MINE TO DO WITH AS I PLEASE. MINE BY RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THIS MATTER. YOU DO NOT GET TO KEEP HIM
(The ravens pay her no heed. Instead they fly past, over and around her and descend on Adam covering him completely and then fly out of the opposite window with the former king ensconced in their cover)
Elsa: charming theatrics. But I don’t think they cared. M’lord
Jane: what was that about?
Elsa: he’s joined them. I knew it. I knew he’d stoop lower. This is unforgivable. He’ll pay for this
Hades: oh no your majesty. He’s going to burn. I’ll make sure of it.
Elsa: for once we’re in agreement. That makes a change.
Jane: what’s that next move.
Lonnie: you’re gonna hate me for this. I hate me for this. But. I think we need to look for. Her.
Dizzy: oh god why.
Lonnie: because chad wants her. And we cannot give him what he wants.
(She leads them to Audrey’s room. But nobody’s there. Lonnie notices a wooden panel by the bed)
Lonnie: Audrey for gods sake get outta there
Audrey (muffled from inside the wall): Mal told me to stay here where it’s safe
Lonnie: Jane could you?
Jane: sure
(She waves her hand and Audrey appears on the bed in a swirl of periwinkle blue smoke)
Audrey: I hate when you do that
Dizzy: and we hate you. Now spill.
Audrey: what do you want to know?
Hades: you said Mal was here. Was she with anyone? Her friends. Her enemies? Her mother?
Audrey: uhhhh. Jay, Carlos, Evie, Gil and Dizzy. Tall attractive boy in a robe. Three scary girls. One with turquoise hair, one with black hair, one with blonde hair. And a boy in red who looked ate like I was food. So did blonde girl. The last four tried to murder me in the mirror. Carlos, Gil and Doug saved me. Then Evie tried to murder me
Dizzy: Wait, Wait Wait. Wait. Dad was here as well
Audrey: oh sweetie no it wasn’t him. He’s at your house asleep. But his brain or something is in the mirror with Evie’s...consciousness, I think. Look
(Dizzy turns and looks at the mirror over the mantelpiece. Sure enough there’s Doug dancing with Evie. Dizzy climbs into the mantlepiece and starts knocking on the mirror)
Dizzy: dad. Daddy it’s me. It’s dizzy. C’mon let me through. Please let me through. (She starts banging on the glass). LET ME. THROUGH. LEMME THROUGH. LET ME GO TO THEM LET ME THROUGH. LET ME GO TO THEM. PLEASE. PLEASE MET ME GO TO MY PARENTS. PLEASE LET ME GO TO THEM. PLEASE LET ME THROUGH. PLEASE
(Elsa nods to Hades and he gently pulls her from the mirror, with her still sobbing, and holds her close)
Hades: let it out, just let it all out.
(Dizzy stops crying, she glares at Audrey, then runs at her)
Dizzy: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. (She tackles the princess on to the bed and starts strangling her). YOUR FAULT. YOURS. NOT DADS. YOURS
(Elsa pulls Dizzy off with the girl kicking and screaming still trying to attack Audrey)
Audrey (strained and gasping for breath): Evie had the same reaction. But jay and Gil were quicker to stop her.
Lonnie: Mal was there. She actually likes you. For some ungodly reason
Hades: do I want to know what you did to deserve such ire my dear?
Audrey: I was horrible. Absolutely god awful. Maleficent nearly killed everyone at the coronation because of me and my stupid, petty quest for vengeance against someone who meant no harm to me personally. But Mal and jay and Evie and everyone saved all of us
Hades: you grabbed the wand and made an attempt on my daughters life
Audrey (realising Mal is Hades’s daughter):...yes
Hades: and she forgave you?
Audrey: yes.
Hades: then that’s ok. Cette fille est sous ma protection ma chérie venimeuse. Tu ne blesseras pas un cheveu teint sur sa tête sous peine de ta mort depuis longtemps. J'espère que nous sommes clairs
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): well that is a shame. I was so looking forward to tearing her apart limb from limb. (Chad’s voice) but I love her (Maleficent’s voice) well you can love a corpse. I have personal experience with that type of thong
Hades (shifting into Sebastian Stan): oh I think you and I both know that I was the one loving a corpse
Chad, Lonnie, Jane, Dizzy and Audrey: eww gross.
Hades: hm?
Elsa: lets just say that to them the term “necromancer” has different connotations
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): oh yes. The frigid one. Tell me. Have you failed in poisoning my daughter against me?
Elsa: everyone here knows you did it yourself Maleficent. All I did was be there for her.
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): children don’t need someone to be there for them. They need a strong hand (they force choke Dizzy). A taste of the lash (they use magic to backhand Lonnie into a wall). And a healthy dose of fear (their eyes glow black and Jane falls to her knees screaming in pain). Only then, do they realise their true purpose. The only reason they exist. Tools to be used by there betters. Mindless sychophants woth not a thought in their worthless little heads but how to keep the parents happy. Wouldn’t you not agree Elsa?
(Elsa’s eyes glowing ice blue and Chadeficent is impaled on ice spikes. The girls recover and hide behind the adults. Hades takes the bazooka and shoots Chadeficent point blank in the face and melts the ice)
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): thank you Hades. I was rather parched.
Hades: what? H how?
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): this is not spell. It is possession. Which, if I remember correctly, is nine tenths of the law. So no. You cannot get me out of his body like this. You do and he will die
Lonnie: I am more then find with that.
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): always so angry. Whatever happened to the demure little girls of yesteryear?
Lonnie: my class was born
Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): what a charming little girl. Do you not think so Chad? (Chad’s voice). She’s gotta be ripped apart. (Maleficent’s voice). My sentiments exactly
(They disappear in a plume me of black smoke. Lonnie chases after them and finds Chad at the end of the hall grinning inanely)
Lonnie: your chins falling off
Chad (quickly pushing his chin back up and no longer smiling): you need to be taught a lesson. Let’s see. What was it. Oh yes. Magic mirror/on the wall/make the rude little bitch fall/bibbidi bobbidi boo!
(He lets out a guttural bellow. Immediately every single piece of glass on that floor bursts and flies in front of him forming several glass foot soldiers)
Chad: couldn’t remember the transport spell
(He disappears into black smoke. Hades, Elsa, Jane and Dizzy rush to Lonnie side)
Jane: what do we do?
Lonnie: you and I fight. We know how. And you’ve got that bazooka and you’ve got magic. Hades, your majesty. Take Dizzy’s to her parents house. Please. We got it handled.
Elsa: are you sure?
Lonnie: I wouldn’t say it if I weren’t sure
Hades: come on your highness. Mal needs us
(They leave in blue fire)
Jane: this is gonna hurt isn’t it. Like. Really. Really. Really hurt.
Lonnie: most likely. Ready? Girls against glass. Odds are in our favour.
Jane: no. But today just isn’t my day is it?
(They turn to face the foot soldiers. This is when “you can’t take me” happens)
I’m that person that goes to your blog when you reblog a post of mine to read your tags. I am a tag reader. give me all the damn tags
(Third film. After “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”)
Hades: whatever’s troubling you. We’ll figure it out
Persey: how? How are the hell am I gonna convince you and Hadie to leave Auradon with me, go to Olympus and overthrow the rest of the Pantheon?
Hadie: what?
Persey: oh now he turns up. Look. Last month. After we exorcised Chad. Mother told me she was planning to launch a much needed coup against Zeus and the Pantheon one day. And that day
Hades: is today
Hadie: no. Nah ah. Nope. No way. No how. Nyet. Nada. Non. Óchi. I can go on if you want
Persey: I don’t like it anymore than you but mother needs our help.
Hadie: Mal needs our help
Persey: and helping mother will be helping Mal
Hades: I can’t abandon them. Not again
Persey: you won’t be. We’re going back home to run a rather bloody errand. Then we’ll be back. But we need to go now
(They’re father and brother still look unsure)
Persey (sighing heavily): look
(This is when “from now on” happens. After the song. The next morning. Uma’s sitting on a pew in Auradon Cathedral when Carlos walks in)
Uma: oh um uh I’ll get out of the way. Sorry. I’ll just. I’ll just go
Carlos: siddown cuz. I’m not here to fight you
Uma: oh thank Christ. Why?
Carlos: you impressed me. Last month you’d have kicked the crotch of anyone who dared suggest Harry get locked away. You’ve done good. Be proud of yourself Captain Facillier. You’ve done good
Uma: oh. Thanks. I guess.
Carlos: so what brings you here today then?
Uma: I dunno. I like it here. It’s calm. Peaceful. Reminds me of the sea
Carlos: I like it here too-wait-have you actually been in the water since the coup?
(Uma looks shifty and doesn’t answer)
Carlos: oh my god. You haven’t. You need to tell dad. Like. Now. He wants you to lead the armada. You know that right?
Uma: of course I know that Carlos. Of course I know. I just. Have to work up the nerve that’s all. Why do you think I’m here? I’m psyching myself up for it.
Carlos: okay. I get that
Uma: do you? Do you really?
Carlos: yes
Uma: that’s just the thing. I don’t think you do. Not really
(This is when “I will get there” happens. After the song. Uma holds her head in her hands)
Uma: so. What should I do?
Carlos: honestly? Break yourself off from what’s holding you back
Uma: and what would that be?
Carlos: well. There’s three of them. They’re psychologically unsound. They have grating voices. And they’re chained up the dungeon
Uma: hah. Of course
Carlos: confront them. Cut em loose. Do what you gotta do
Uma: thanks Carlos.
Carlos: you’re welcome. Uma.
(Uma teleports out of the cathedral and into the dungeon)
Cj: oh. The vaunted knight comes down from on high to mingle with the common folk she helped incarcerate. Tell me. Are you enjoying your epaulets?
Uma: the what?
Cj: the uh. The uh the shoulder things
Uma: oh. Yeah. I like em
Cj: why are you here captain?
Uma: I felt you three were owed an explanation. I won’t be coming down here anymore.
Harry: WHAT?!?!
Uma: I’m putting you in the care Mr Smee.
Harriet: he’s here? Now?
Uma: mhmm. Got here yesterday. He’s in charge of you now. I’m done with you. All. Of you. Goodbye.
(She turns to leave)
Cj: you know. You can play and pretend however the fuck you like. But you’re still one of us. You’re still a pirate. You’re still her daughter. Not a knight. Not a bodyguard. A vk. You understand that right?
(Uma doesn’t bother with a response and teleports out of the dungeon. This is when “shine” happens. After the song. Verna’s inside her rooms pacing back and forth and going ever so slightly stir crazy when Jane walks in to ask her something)
Verna: oh Jane. Thank goodness. I-
Jane: we need the wand.
Verna: pardon?
Jane: Mal, Jay, Evie and Carlos are creating a barrier around Auradon and the isle to keep the villains in during the fight. But we need the wand to maximise its strength
Verna: no.
Jane: I knew you’d say that
Verna: I can’t. I’ve been stripped of all my power. Please don’t ask me to give up the wand. Not after I’ve got it back
Jane: oh here we go
Verna: look at me sweetheart
(This is when “dance with the devil” happens. After the song. Almost everyone is in Ben’s office, discussing the Verna situation)
Evie: she’s gone? What do you mean she’s gone?
Jane: she ran to her shitty sky blue Lexus. Got in. And drove away. The queen mother was there. She’ll vouch for it
Belle: it’s true I tried to stop her. I really tried to stop her.
Ben: I believe you mom.
Gil: so what do you do now?
Ben: Jane
Jane: no. No. Absolutely not
Ben: please. We need you
Jane: I’m not her.
Ben: I know. You’re better. And I fully beli-hold on-come in Mrs Baker. Is there anything I can help you with?
Anastasia: yes. Do you know Anthony is? Only I can’t find him
Ben: yes. He’s pacing the pick up zone.
Mal: Anthony’s not fighting? Huh. Can’t say I blame him.
Ben: he’d like to. He just feels like he can’t
Anastasia: yeah. That makes sense. He can debone a lion in two minutes flat. But he’s not much of a fighter.
Gil: by the way. I’ve always loved your hyena mignon. It’s absolutely brilliant
Anastasia: thank you Gil. And thank you your highness.
Ben: your welcome.
(Anastasia leaves)
Ben: now about the wand
Mal: I can teach her. We’ve both used it before. It’ll be okay
Ben: I know it will be. But. I was thinking more along the lines of issuing a new ordinance
Doug: oh?
Ben: I have no problem with people not fighting. It’s an ugly business. It always has been. So long as you tell me. But Verna. She committed desertion. She, committed treason.
Jay: ooooh. Now we’re getting somewhere
Carlos: what are you saying dad?
Ben: what I’m saying is. Everyone in this castle, barring the dungeons, is in my inner circle. And I hereby grant you all the political power to arrest Verna Babineaux in sight pending trial. Doug. Please write that all down. Make it official as it were
Doug: on it
Facillier: trial? Surely an on the spot death would be better?
Ben: I refuse to treat people like my father treated you. I want to be better than that. I have to be better than that. Otherwise what’s the point in fighting them?
Favillier (conjuring up a wine glass and raising it in honour of Ben): well when you put it like that. pour votre santé, your highness, pour votre santé.
(On the isle. Audreficent is examining themself in the mirror)
Ursula: will it do?
Audreficent: the body, yes, it is, cozy. The attire, however, must be changed. Make them really run for the hills.
(This is when “haunted heart” happens. After the song. Audreficent is still gazing into the mirror)
Audreficent: mhmm. Yes. I think that will do quite nicely. Now. Ideas. We need ideas.
(Queen of Hearts dashes to the front)
Audreficent: alright. Fine. Your idea. Go.
(This is when “off with their heads” happens. After the song. Audreficent looks heavily unimpressed)
Audreficent: are you quite finished?
(The queen of hearts shrinks back into the background)
Audreficent: well done. Now where were we? Oh yes
(She forces everyone to look at her. This is when “in the dark of the night” happens. After the song. Back in Auradon. At the enchanted lake. Ben’s taken Mal on a “hopefully not a final” date)
Mal: if there’s one thing to be said about you it’s that you’re always impressive
Ben (smugly): eh. I try
Mal (sighing): is it bad that I’m kind of looking forward to it?
Ben: no. One way or another. Everyone wants to get rid of the horrible people in their lives
Mal: good. Good. Then why do I still feel shitty?
Ben: because you’re a good person?
Mal: only you, Carlos, Jay, Gil, Hadie, Persey and my father think that.
Ben: is that a problem?
Mal: nah. Just pointing it out
(They both break into laughter)
Ben: okay. Okay. Up, up, up.
Mal: oh?
Ben: dancing time
Mal: we’re at the lake. And the picnic spot isn’t big enough
Ben: true. True. But have you considered. That my hands. Have magical magic?
Mal: I know. I’ve personally benefited from your hands and their magical magic. As recently as two hours ago in fact.
Ben: this is also true. But not what I meant. I meant. Actual.
Mal: ohhhh.
Ben: and it’s all because of you
Mal: oh really?
Ben: oh yeah
(This is when “a sky full of stars” happens. After the song. Ben unfreezes the lake and they teleport back to the castle. At which point it starts to rain)
Mal: we’re gonna get this a lot now aren’t we?
Ben: probably. But we can make it work
(Doug walks out from his garage workshop)
Doug: you always do. Now come inside you catch your death
Mal: we’re immortal
Doug: yeah, so am I. But that doesn’t mean you’re immune to colds. Or have you forgotten the week after cotillion already?
Mal: excellent point. Let’s go
(Once inside the garage)
Ben: so whatcha working on?
Doug: getaway cars.
Ben: in case we need to fall back and regroup?
Doug: yep
Mal: hm. Makes sense to me. Evie chose the colour for this one didn’t she?
Doug: yep
Mal: course she did.
Ben: what number is this?
Doug: eight. Trying to get it up to ten minimum
Mal: sounds reasonable
Doug: the only thing is I can’t test it right now because of the rain.
Ben: Aw c’mon. The rains not that bad.
Doug: once again I point you towards the week after cotillion
Ben: yeah, but that was just bad luck
Doug: he’s very optimistic isn’t he?
Mal: yeah but that’s why we love him.
Doug: true. True
(Evie teleports in with a picnic basket)
Evie: alright I’ve got your lunch and your raincoat. And I swear I’m moving to Tenerife if these surprise storms keep happening
Mal: Ben likes the rain
Evie: of course Ben likes the rain. He’s French. You both are.
Mal: apparently I’m technically Persian. But we’re both half Greek
Evie: don’t remind me
(Jay and Carlos teleport in)
Carlos: we heard a picnic basket
Evie: how?
Jay (taking a sandwich before Evie can swat his hand away): we know your schedule. Plus we were hungry.
Mal: naturally
Carlos: so. What’re we talking about?
Ben: rain
Doug: cars
Mal: how best to piss off Evie
Carlos: ooooh. I know how to do that. Let Dude in her workshop when he’s shedding
Mal: ooh. Point to Carlos. Jay?
Jay: my way would piss Ben off as well. So it’s not worth mentioning when he’s around
Carlos (chuckling happily): oh yeah that’ll do it.
Mal (deciding to change the subject): okay so rain. Ben? What do you like about it?
Ben: you can dance in it.
Doug: 🎶cotillion🎶
Ben: alright yes. But before that we had fun didn’t we?
Doug: yeah it was kinda fun
Carlos: wanna recreate it?
Ben: go for it
(Carlos turns on the radio)
Ben: WHOOHOO!!!!
Doug: bono? Really?
Ben: 🎶please?🎶
(He unleashes the tried, tested and true puppy eyes)
Doug (for once buckling under the friendly onslaught): okay. Okay, fine. Let ‘er rip
Ben: YAAAAY!!!!
(This is when “children of the revolution” happens. After the song. That evening. Ben knocks on Uma’s door)
Ben: can I come in?
Uma: s’your house
Ben: are you okay?
Uma: yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. I am. Why?
Ben: your canopy’s in tatters
Uma: what?
Ben: they uh the curtains around your bed
Uma: oh yeah. That. Ummmm. Trident practice
Ben (knowing she’s lying but not wanting to push): Kay. You should get some sleep.
Uma: will do. Night your maj.
Ben: night. Sleep well.
Uma: I’ll do my best
(Ben leaves and Uma gets into bed. Four hours later. Mal’s reading in the library when an extremely spooked Uma teleports in)
Mal: hey?
Uma: are they. Are they alive? Did you kill them? Are they still alive?
Mal: who?!?! Who am I supposed to have killed?!?!
Uma: Harry and his other sisters!
Mal: ohhhh. Okay. Yeah. That does sound like me
Uma: so you haven’t?
Mal: no. I don’t think so. Why?
Uma: I uh. Dream.
Mal: ohhhh. I understand. C’mon. Sit down. Cocoa?
Uma: no thanks.
Mal (shrugging): your loss. Now. What are you afraid of? What was in your nightmare?
Uma: uhhhh. We were in the throne room. The Hook’s were in shackles. Ben gave the order. You gave me the axe. And I sliced their heads off.
Mal: sounds fun
(Uma glares at her)
Mal: sorry. Ahem. Sorry
Uma: what do you think it means?
Mal: I don’t know. I’m sorry. But I’m not therapist. I can barely understand my own nightmares. Let alone anyone else’s.
Uma: right. Thanks anyway though.
Mal: you’re welcome.
(Uma gets up to leave but Mal stops her)
Mal: oh by the way. Don’t worry about your room. Ben talked it over with Mrs Potts and her staff. Just say the word and they’ll be happy to clean up for you
Uma: Ben had no right to tell you that
Mal (chuckling humourlessly): he’s the king. He’s your boss. He’s your friend. He’s part of your family. So yeah. I’d say he has the right.
Uma: no he doesn’t. And neither do you.
Mal: well I’m his fiancé. He tells me things. And while he’s too nice to broach the subject. I’m not. You’re seeing your mother aren’t you?
Uma: how did you know?
Mal: because I’ve been where you are before.
Uma: what did you do about it?
Mal: try to get you to kill me.
Uma: oh.
Mal: just uh. Don’t do the other thing I did when I felt out of place
Uma: which is?
Mal (smiling wryly): not telling you
Uma (brainstorming her memory): right. Sorry.
Mal: here
(She summons then hands Uma a large leather bound book)
Uma: what’s this?
Mal: a book about dream interpretation.
Uma: meaning?
Mal: I may not be a therapist. But I’ve had enough crazy shit happen to me to know that books like this are a godsend
(Uma starts reading. Then stops when she gets to the pertinent page)
Mal: what is it?
Uma: it uh. It says that dreams like the one I just had tend to mean cutting ties with your past. But then that means I can’t be a sea witch any more
Mal: beg pardon?
Uma: alright fine. The reason my rooms a mess is because Cj struck a nerve and now I’m seeing my mother in my reflections.
Mal: oh. Kay....
Uma: you think I’m nuts now don’t you?
Mal: no. It’s better than what I did when I lost it
Uma: oh yeah. The journalists
Mal: so cutting ties huh?
Uma: but if I’m not a sea witch then I’m nothing
Mal: that’s not strictly true though. Is it?
Uma: hm?
Mal: well. Captain Facillier. You tell me?
Uma: oh. I didn’t think of that
Mal: well now you are. I mean you don’t have to. Look at me. I changed everything about me and I wound up killing like 12 people.
Uma: 20. I kept count with the reports
Mal: thanks cousin(.) Thank you for the help(.)
Uma: your welcome.
Mal: you know. It might not be Ursula that’s holding you back.
Uma: how so?
Mal: before we get into that. Ned asked about you earlier
Uma (unconsciously grinning from ear to ear): Ned Thatch? Really?
Mal: yeah. It was right around the time you went down to the dungeons and cut Harry off
Uma (grin disappearing completely): oh
Mal: interesting. Very, very interesting.
Uma: oh what now?
Mal: when I mentioned Ned you smiled for the first time in weeks. But when I mentioned the maggot. It disappeared
Uma: ah.
Mal (sighing heavily): if you really want my advice. Then it seems like your problem is two fold.
Uma: I’m listening.
Mal: first of all. If you’re seeing Ursula in mirrors and windows. Then it might be time to cut her off and consider taking after Antonine.
Uma: okay....
Mal: second of all. Tell Ned you like him. The worst he can do is turn you down. But then your head might be clearer.
Uma: right.
Mal: it’s not up to me. But whatever you do. Get some sleep. You look like death.
Uma: right. Sleep.
Mal: take some cocoa. It helps.
Uma: your not asleep.
Mal: I have insomnia. I do sleep. But really only when Ben’s next to me. Or when I’m knocked out
Uma (chuckling humourlessly): huh. Right.
Mal: but remember. Sleep. You need it. And we all need you.
Uma: right. Thanks for the talk
Mal: we’re family. It’s part of the job description. Good night.
Uma: night
(Uma teleports out of the library and back to her room)
Uma: sleep. Change. Confessions. If only it was that easy.
(She goes over to her ruined vanity mirror and sits down. This is when “loyal brave and true” happens. After the song. The next morning. The king and his major-domo are in session. And Uma’s not yet turned up for work)
Ben: is it all there?
Doug: yes your highness.
Ben: could you read it? Please?
Doug: ahem. Arendelle pledges her troops. Auroria pledges her troops. Cinderellasburg pledges her troops. Maldonia pledges her troops. Atlantis pledges her troops. Atlantica pledges her troops. Nottingham pledges her troops. China pledges her troops. France pledges her troops. Kumandra pledges her troops. Motunui pledges her troops. That’s everyone
Ben: no Greece? Hell. Just Olympus would do.
Doug: no. I’m sorry.
Ben: fucking hell. Ah well. No use crying over it. No when we’ve only got one day left. Is everything else ready for it?
Doug: yes
Ben: armoury?
Doug: yes
Ben: armada?
Doug: yes
Ben: hades?
Doug: no fucking clue. He’s pissed off to parts unknown. I don’t know how to tell Evie.
Ben: she wouldn’t care. Mal on the other hand.
Doug: right. By the way. Where’s Uma.
Ben: poor things had a rough night. I decided to let her sleep in. I thought it kind under the circumstances
Doug: of course. I expect you’ll be addressing the nation soon?
Ben: in about an hour.
(Uma suddenly teleports into the office)
Uma: sorry I’m late. What’d I miss?
Ben: it’s okay, it’s okay. I decided not to disturb you. Nice threads.
Uma: oh. Thank you. On both counts. Doug? What do you think? Is the hat too much?
Doug (going over speech notes and not even bothering to look at her): I’m not the one wearing them am I? So what does it matter what I think?
Uma: ah. Kay. Um
Ben: I’ll be making a speech soon. You’re welcome to stay but I suggest you get some sleep. They’ll be here tomorrow
Uma: righto. Um....I think I’ll go to the Lost Revenge replica. Get myself reacquainted as it were.
Ben: sounds like a plan.
(Uma walks out the door. Takes a shuddering breath, holding back tears. And teleports to the docks)
Ben: you could’ve been nicer to her
Doug: I will when I’ve forgiven her. But I haven’t yet. So I’m not. Do you need me right now? Only cause I was going to spend today with Evie. I’ve already asked Doug to take my place in training the recruits. So all my bases are covered.
Ben: sure. You’ve earned it. I’m gonna be spending the day with Mal myself
Doug: thank you.
(He leaves the room. Forty minutes later. In the cathedral. Verna’s watching Ben on the tv in the chaplains office)
Ben:....I urge you all not to worry. We shall defend Auradon. We will push them back. We will defeat them. We will win. And when we win....
(Verna turns off the volume and stares at the tv as Ben continues his speech)
Verna: you don’t need to worry. You’re not the one who commuted the crime. You’re not the one they’ll be looking for. You’re not the one in danger. So no, Benjamin. You don’t need to worry. I on the other hand. Have every reason to worry. And I have nobody to blame but myself.
(After Ben’s speech. He and Mal are at the lake again)
Mal: you know. We’ve been here about four times in the last three months right?
Ben: yeah. So what? This is our special place isn’t it?
Mal (chuckling): hm. Yeah. Yeah, it is
Ben (heading into the water, taking his clothes off along the way): care to join me?
Mal (already following suit): do you even need to ask?
(In devie’s suite, they’re watching a news report on Ben’s speech)
Evie: he can be very articulate when the situation calls for it
Doug (nonplussed): he’s always articulate?
Evie: because every situation calls for it. It was a joke
Doug: oh. Not one of your best.
Evie: well I shall endeavour to try better if there’s a next time
Doug: when, Evie. Not if. When.
Evie: I’m only trying to be realistic
Doug: well please don’t. This isn’t not the time for pessimism or realism. Let’s just. Stay here. For now. Please?
Evie: okay. For now.
(In jaylos’s suite. Carlos is staring glumly at Dude’s empty doggie bed)
Jay: it’s only for a little while.
Carlos: I know, I know. I just didn’t expect to get empty nest syndrome at sixteen.
(Jay snorts and starts laughing)
Carlos: it’s not funny Jay
Jay (still laughing): it’s a little funny
Carlos: hey. No. I’m trying to be serious here
Jay (forcing himself to regain his composure): right right. Sorry
Carlos: how’re we gonna do it?
Jay: do what?
Carlos: fight
Jay: oh. Hm. I fight. And you run like hell to safety
Carlos: nah ah. Not happening. I’m not leaving your side for one damn minute. We fight together or not at all
Jay: you won’t be happy until we’re sharing a vein will you?
Carlos: oh please. Like you’d have it any other way
Jay: yeah. When you’re right you’re right.
(In the R.O.A.R arena Gil and Lonnie are about to gather the recruits)
Gil: final practice. How’re ya feeling?
Lonnie: as best as can be expected under the circumstances.
Gil: I know. But we’ll get through it. We’re on Mal’s side. She always wins.
Lonnie: there have been incredibly close calls though.
Gil: yeah I know. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try though right?
Lonnie (slowly smiling): yeah. We should always try
(On the replica of the Lost Revenge. Nedahk Thatch has located Uma at the shops wheel)
Ned: the prince royal has asked me to inform that there’ll be a delay in the collection of the prisoners
Uma: heh?
Ned: oh. Sorry. Gil asked me to tell you it’ll be a while before he brings the Hook’s to the docks.
Uma: ahhhh.
Ned: I like you’re new look.
Uma (smiling in spite of herself): thanks. At least somebody thinks so.
Ned: what happened?
Uma: nah. It’s ah. It nothing.
Ned: did someone say something that upset you?
Uma: no. Ben was nice. As always. But Doug....
Ned: didn’t look twice?
Uma: didn’t look once. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Ned: he’s mad. He’ll forgive you eventually
Uma: yeah I know. I just hate what I did. Cause before I did it. At least he pretended to get along with me.
Ned: it’ll get better. It always does
(At the depot. Anastasia knocks on the window of one of the limos and Anthony screens it down)
Anastasia: how long have you been here?
Anthony: two nights. My entire lower half fell asleep. Twice.
Anastasia: it’s okay if you can’t decide
Anthony: no it’s not. I have to decide. There’s less than a day left. I have to choose. But I don’t know how
(On the isle. Audreficent has woken up Adam)
Audreficent: here is how it will be. We will launch the assault. I will take care of my daughter. You will do away with your son and all those who try to protect him. Do I make myself clear your highness?
Adam: crystal clear. My queen.
Audreficent: good. Now. You have the rest of the day to pick out the weapons of your choosing. And once it begins. Go after your son and your son alone. Do not get in my way with your well intentioned but highly unneeded assistance. Do you understand? Or do I have to sear it into your brain?
Adam: no your highness. I understand perfectly
Audreficent: good. Now. Listen well. All of you. There will be no mercy. There will be no misguided parental affection. They get in your way. You kill them. Before they kill you. And together. With your help. I will take over Auradon. Once and for all. WHO. IS. WITH ME!!!!
(All the villains cheer. The screen goes black. And lightens up on Verna. This is when “one day more” happens. After the song. The next morning. Gil’s standing in front of the lost revenge with the Hook’s bound in chains next to him. Gil blows a whistle)
Gil: permission to come aboard captain?
Uma: granted. Hey Mr Smee
Smee: ‘ello cap’n. Shall I make sure everything’s ship-shape and Bristol fashion?
Uma: yes, we’ve got some time. Last minute checks couldn’t hurt.
Harriet: what’re you gonna do with us, O Great and Powerful Traitor(?)
Gil: when Carlos gives the signal I’ll put us all on our respective vessels. Then when your folks cross the bridge. It’ll begin.
Cj (not listening to a single word that Gil has said): you ever wonder what it’s like?
Harriet (confused): what?
Cj: “the mysterious fathoms below”
Uma: I’ve been there. It’s dark. Cold. Unforgiving. A bit like my mother really. Not even merpeople would survive it.
Cj: oh really?
Uma: yeah. Really. It’s waterlogged hell Calista. No light. No heat. Inhabited by creatures so horrifying Tartarus itself spit them back out.
Cj: wow
Uma: yeah. Wow. Tch. Humans. Ya think you know everything
Gil (smugly): not so bright now are you cousin?
Cj (resoundingly pissed off): shut up
(At the palace, the rest of Ben’s inner circle are in the entranceway)
Ben: alright Carlos. Now
Carlos: 🎶oh Mr Chernabog. It’s time. The prince of Auradon requires your help🎶
(Immediately, the ground rumbles and out shoots Chernabog from behind the palace. He stops in front of Carlos and floats in midair)
Carlos: I need you to gather your brethren. Then wait for my orders. But until I need you. Fly around. Stretch your wings. You deserve it
(Chernabog bows to Carlos and flies off, roaring to his kind as he goes)
Carlos: I like being a demon
Mal: I’m gonna go get dad. I haven’t seen him in a while. I hope he’s feeling alright.
Evie: who cares?
Mal: uh. Moi. For starters. And our brother and our oldest sibling. You know. The Family?
Evie: whatever.
Ben: Antoine, come with me. I need your help with a spell.
(At the gates)
Facillier: you’re not going to tell her? Are you?
Ben: I can’t. I can’t hurt her like that
Facillier: don’t confuse the truth with hurting someone your highness. Have you ever heard of the phrase “cruel to be kind”?
Ben: I was raised by a man who had this as his mantra. I know what it means
Facillier: then you know that sometimes the bandaid has to be pulled off so the wound can heal properly.
Ben: I told you. I can’t. I cannot be the one who tells her that her father has abandoned again. It cannot be me.
Facillier: then I’ll do it. She’s terrified of me. So she’s less likely to attack me.
Ben: thank you.
Facillier: don’t worry about it. Sometimes a scapegoat is necessary. Now. What spell would you like my help with?
(Ben’s eyes glow royal blue and he raises numerous statues of gargoyles and monstrous knights out of the ground)
Ben: bring them to life.
Facillier: briser la pierre/aider le roi/l'aider maintenant/car nous ne savons pas/ce que le destin peut apporter
(Each statue steps down from stand and marches towards the gates)
Ben: AURADON IS THREATENED! PROTECT US! DO YOUR DUTY TO OUR KINGDOM!
(The statues pass the gates)
Ben: I love magic.
(Several massive tentacles erupt from the island sending the surrounding areas shaking in their wake)
Ben: alright then. Here we go.
(He turns on his heel and heads back to the palace, shouting orders at everyone as he goes. On the island. Audreficent’s standing in front of a crowd of the villains)
Adam: what now my queen?
Audreficent: what we always do my king. Keep moving forward.
(They all start walking towards the bridge. Back on the Lost Revenge. Uma’s freaking out and Gil’s trying to calm her. Which isn’t helped at all by the fact that the Hook sisters keep running their mouths)
Uma: I can’t. I can’t do it. I need to get off this ship. I need out. Let me go. LET ME GET OFF THIS SHIP!!!! PLEASE!!!! I NEED TO GO!!! PLEASE!!!! I NEED TO!!!! PLEASE!!!!
(Harriet’s cackling her head off like a deranged vulture)
Cj: I mean look at her. She cannae lead us anymore than she can lead herself. She’s pathetic. We’ve outgrown her. I say Harriet’s in charge. WHO’S WITH ME?!?!
(Harry’s remaining oddly silent. And he looks vaguely seasick. Gil eventually snaps and takes charge)
Gil: you will all listen to me. LISTEN!!!!
(He hops onto the side of the ship)
Gil: I. Am. Ashamed of you. All. Of you. Except you Mr Smee. You just got here. But you four. You’re PIRATES. You’ve been wanting a battle your entire. Damn. Lives. Well. This is it. And I know it’s scary, Uma. Especially given what happened to Morgana. But you need to do this. If not for you then for us. And I know you three hate me. But guess what? I don’t give a fuck what you think anymore. And I haven’t in a long long time. So take your heads out of your asses. And do whatever the hell I say. Or I’ll hand you over to Doug. Got that?
(All four nod profusely)
Gil: good. And besides.
(He hops down from the side of the ship)
Gil: it’s not like you’re not ready for it. Especially you Uma. You’ve been planning for this your entire life.
(This is when “warriors” happens)
the-maidofmischief
